the room spins SO much faster in panama
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I smell like Dick and happiness
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