it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.