Texts From Last Night

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  (419): View more from Ohio

  mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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  (419): mustard is like jesus in yellow tights http://tfl.nu/uvec
  Replies (9) Good night (1462) Bad night (682)
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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  (321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along. http://tfl.nu/x1z0
  Replies (11) Good night (1013) Bad night (3930)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.

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  (412): I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon. http://tfl.nu/2tzw
  Replies (5) Good night (3551) Bad night (665)
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  (949): View more from California

  im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume

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  (949): im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume http://tfl.nu/ixw0
  Replies (27) Good night (1243) Bad night (4197)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

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  (443): And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes http://tfl.nu/p6zo
  Replies (28) Good night (1269) Bad night (5088)
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  (516): View more from New York

  I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume

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  (516): I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume http://tfl.nu/0r2u
  Replies (47) Good night (2074) Bad night (4451)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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  (908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie
  Replies (4) Good night (5284) Bad night (1057)
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  (951): View more from California

  All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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  (951): All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants. http://tfl.nu/xx9d
  Replies (17) Good night (7969) Bad night (1011)
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  (323): View more from California

  Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?

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  (323): Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang? http://tfl.nu/58hv
  Replies (7) Good night (2441) Bad night (919)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  She has a lazy eye!

  (317): View more from Indiana

  My other option is a hardwood floor

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  (765): She has a lazy eye! (317): My other option is a hardwood floor http://tfl.nu/pxwj
  Replies (8) Good night (574) Bad night (1789)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong

  (813): View more from Florida

  Thats admirable.

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  (719): he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong (813): Thats admirable. http://tfl.nu/7e4g
  Replies (7) Good night (1386) Bad night (670)
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  We are the best.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Ps. We need to take the garbage out.

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  (250): Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job. (1-250): We are the best. (250): Ps. We need to take the garbage out. http://tfl.nu/i0yw
  Replies (4) Good night (852) Bad night (428)
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Circle of life?

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  (228): Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life. (601): Circle of life? http://tfl.nu/blw3
  Replies (1) Good night (418) Bad night (948)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.

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  (615): I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY. http://tfl.nu/j30c
  Replies (2) Good night (814) Bad night (299)
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing

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  (228): He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing http://tfl.nu/dsmd
  Replies (1) Good night (715) Bad night (484)

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