You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.