problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.