mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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