I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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