Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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