What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
