i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
