3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this boner is exhausting
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
