to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
