During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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