best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
