Yo dont text me then not text me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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