nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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