ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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