Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
