John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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