i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
