you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
