Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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