Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
