Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
