Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
