Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
