I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
