I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
