Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
