i already hear my dad disowning me
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
