i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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