I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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