literally had 100 drinks last night.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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