and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
