I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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