Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
