I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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