I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so let's talk penis.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
