my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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