just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
