I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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