Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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