Swine flu. Run for my life!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
