I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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