the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
