her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
