Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
