I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
