Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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