I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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