I looked at my own cervix.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
