why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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