I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
