i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
