There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think a kid would responsible me up
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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