matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
