Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
