There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
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Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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