he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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