he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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