Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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