My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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