dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
