Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize