ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
