He told me they were just razor bumps!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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