Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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